


The Hour of Lead

by SailorSol



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: All Kinds of Love, Angst, Bittersweet, Canonical Character Death, Changing Tenses, Depression, F/M, Families of Choice, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-27 08:10:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorSol/pseuds/SailorSol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>This is the Hour of Lead –</em><br/><em>Remembered, if outlived,</em><br/><em>As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow –</em><br/><em>First – Chill – then Stupor – then the letting go –</em><br/>-- ‘After great pain, a formal feeling comes -- ’, by Emily Dickinson</p><p>Remus Lupin, through the years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hour of Lead

**Author's Note:**

  * For [paranoidangel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoidangel/gifts).



> Thank you to A., H., L., and R. for beta and support on this one. Enjoy, [paranoidangel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoidangel/pseuds/paranoidangel)!

He remembers the way the sunlight slanted in through the window. It was late, later than Remus had planned on getting to the hospital, but he'd been delayed by Order business. By the time he'd reached Lily's room, the baby had already been born, and when Remus walked in, the sun was starting to set in that warm, golden way, and Sirius...

Sirius looked perfect.

His entire attention was focused on the bundle in his arms, a tuft of black hair just barely visible near the crook of Sirius' elbow. Sirius was smiling; not his usual smirk or his devil-may-care grin. Just a simple, content smile.

Remus had burned that image into his memory, clinging to it on the dark, lonely nights during those twelve long years. Sirius wouldn't hurt Harry; no matter what else he may have done, no matter which side his loyalty belonged to, Remus had to believe that the smile he'd seen that day in the hospital room had been real, and Sirius loved Harry.

* * *

Of course, that was easier said than done. He had been out of the country, when James and Lily had been killed. By the time he had made it back from Calcutta, Dumbledore had whisked Harry away to some undisclosed location and Sirius was in Azkaban.

Azkaban. Hell on Earth. The one place all wizards feared.

Remus didn't remember much from those first months. James, Lily, and Peter's deaths were bad enough, but Sirius' betrayal... Sirius who was supposed to be like a brother to James, who had been Remus' lover... it was too much, all at once, and in later years, Remus was ashamed to admit that he didn't spare nearly enough thought for Harry.

Dumbledore had come in person to tell Remus of Sirius' escape. Remus had been thrilled and horrified; if anyone could have escaped that place, it would have been Sirius Black.

"Why now?" Remus had asked. A part of him suggested that maybe Sirius was coming to kill him, and another small part wondered if Sirius even cared that much, if he had ever cared.

"Harry," had been Dumbledore's response. The headmaster explained about the photograph in the _Prophet_ , of Sirius' mutterings before he had vanished. And then the old man offered Remus a job.

"Why me?"

"Because you knew him best," Dumbledore said. Remus didn't miss the sadness in Dumbledore's voice or the way his eyes had lost their characteristic twinkle. "Harry needs you," he added.

Remus sighed, rising from his seat wearily. It was the right thing to do, protecting Harry, and it was something Remus should have been doing for years now. James and Lily hadn't been able to name Remus as godfather, but it was implied that they expected Sirius and Remus to take care of Harry together.

They'd both failed him.

He nodded at the headmaster.

* * *

The train ride wasn’t Remus’ first experience with Dementors, but waking up in a dark compartment with a group of teenagers and one of those creatures looming at the door was certainly one of his more unpleasant ones. It wasn’t until after he had cast the Patronus charm, after the Dementors had left the train and the lights had come back up, when he had turned to check on the students and felt his breath catch in his chest.

 _James!_ was his first thought, with the messy dark hair and the wire framed glasses. But those were Lily’s eyes staring up when the boy blinked them open, and Remus knew the truth. _Harry._

He pressed chocolate into their hands and fled towards the front of the train with the excuse of needing to speak with the conductor, but the truth was, he couldn’t bear to see Harry look at him with no recognition. He had been Uncle Moony, once, but now he was just the mysterious new Defense professor who protected them from the Dementors searching for Sirius Black.

Did Harry even remember Sirius? Remus didn’t dare ask. He was Harry’s professor now, and that meant keeping a professional distance.

Remus almost believed himself when he claimed it was better that way.

* * *

He’d had the map spread out on his desk for at least an hour before finally tapping his wand in the center and reciting the password. It had been his idea to disguise the map, but Sirius had been the one to choose the phrase that unlocked its secrets. He’d confiscated the map from Harry on the premise of it falling into Sirius’ hands, too afraid to tell Harry the truth. Sirius had no need for the map, not when he knew the school inside and out.

He found himself on the map first, orienting the castle around him. McGonagall was in her office, three corridors down, probably grading papers. Flitwick and Sprout were in the staff room, and Severus was winding his way up from the dungeons. He honestly wasn’t that interested in his colleagues. Not tonight.

He checked Gryffindor Tower first, but Harry and his friends weren’t there. They must have already left for Hagrid’s. He traced his finger along corridors and down stairways, catching up with the trio just outside the castle. Malfoy and his two goons were headed back into the castle; Remus hoped they hadn’t had some sort of an encounter, but Harry, Ron, and Hermione were continuing to Hagrid’s, so it must not have been too bad, if they had.

Using the map was rather like spying, but Remus reminded himself he was supposed to be keeping an eye on Harry. This was the easiest way to do that, without making Harry feel smothered. Watch without interfering, which was the attitude Remus had been trying to take all year when it came to Harry. He had given up any right in the boy’s life years ago, and all he could claim now was a place as his professor.

When the three young Gryffindors finally emerged from Hagrid’s hut (the Minister and his lackeys having just arrived), Remus’ breath caught and everything else faded away, his vision narrowing down to one name.

_Peter Pettigrew._

But that was impossible, because Peter was dead and Sirius had killed him, and if Peter was here, now, that changed everything.

Except now there was the dot labeled _Sirius Black_ barreling towards the small group, towards _Harry_ , and Remus didn’t stop to think as he ran from his office, hoping he wouldn’t be too late. Hoping this time he could make a difference, that maybe he could fix some of what had been broken for so long.

Not taking the time to think that night would be one of his greatest regrets.

* * *

Sirius was gone.

Not Kissed, thank Merlin (and Harry, Hermione, and Buckbeak) for that. But he was into the wind once more, and Remus hadn’t had the chance to speak to him, not really. Not the way he wanted to, all of the words there hadn’t been time for in the Shack. _I’m sorry,_ and _I still love you_ and _please don’t leave me alone again._

But that last one was a dull ache Remus was long familiar with, so he pushed it down as he started the tea kettle. Harry would be here soon, if Remus hadn’t missed his mark. There was still so much the boy deserved to know, about his parents, about Sirius. A small, bitter part of Remus insisted that it wasn’t _his_ duty to tell Harry these things; Sirius was his godfather, after all. But Remus had seen the edges of insanity lurking in the shadows of Sirius’ eyes, knew that for all of Sirius’ best intentions, he was going to need help.

So he settled at his desk, watching the map one last time, and waited for their godson to arrive.

* * *

Sirius sent him letters. Not often, and not detailed, but enough for Remus to know Sirius was still thinking of him. Enough to know that Sirius was still doing his best to help Harry.

Remus was of half a mind to show up at Hogwarts and demand answers about how a fourteen year old had ended up in the Tri-Wizard Tournament, but after Severus had outed him as a werewolf that past spring, he wasn’t much more welcome at Hogwarts than Sirius would have been. 

But there’s nothing either of them can do for Harry, except offer their support and put their faith in Albus Dumbledore and Alastor Moody to keep him safe. Mad-Eye had mentored James in the Aurors, and despite the passing of years, he was still as sharp as ever.

When Padfoot shows up at his door, Remus learns just how wrong they had all been.

“He’s back,” is the first thing Sirius says after transforming. There’s only one _he_ Sirius can mean, and a thousand questions race through Remus’ mind. But Sirius half collapses into Remus’ arms, his shoulders trembling; Remus holds him silently until Sirius manages to collect himself. “Dumbledore is gathering the Order.”

“Is Harry...?” Remus can’t bring himself to finish the question, but Sirius understands.

“Alive. Shaken.” Remus can see the anger starting to replace the fear on Sirius’ face. “Barty Crouch was impersonating Moody all year, and that bastard Pettigrew killed the Diggory boy in front of Harry.”

Remus grimaced. There was nothing more they could do about that, now. Sirius looked exhausted. The best way to help right now would be to get some rest and start planning. Sirius didn’t resist as Remus led them into the cramped kitchen and set the kettle to boil.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Moony,” Sirius says, leaning against Remus’ side.

Remus doesn’t either, but that’s not what Sirius needs to hear. He wraps an arm around Sirius’ too small waist and holds him close. “I’ll help you figure it out.”

* * *

This time, Sirius is gone for real.

* * *

He’d always tried to do his best by Harry ever since coming back into the boy’s life. Does his best to answer Harry’s questions when it won’t put others in the Order at risk. Tries to be an adult that Harry can trust.

It’s hard not to climb back down into the hole he’d made for himself after Lily and James had died. Harry’s anger and grief at Sirius’ loss is a sharp reminder to Remus. He’d grieved over Sirius for twelve long years, and the time they had together since Sirius’ escape was disjointed at best. Remus knows better than anyone how not well Sirius was, and things between them never managed to be quite the same as they had been, before.

But when Harry returns to school, the pain fades back into the same dull ache he’d learned to ignore. Dumbledore keeps him busy, doing work for the Order, and Remus is happy to lose himself in the distraction of trying to win over werewolf clans and form alliances with other creatures the Dark Lord will try to use and ostracize.

He doesn’t love Tonks, not the way he loved Sirius. But loving Sirius was so much more of an abstract thing. Tonks is there in the months after the Department of Mysteries, goading him out of himself and even, on occasion, making him laugh. She’s sweet, and there are times that she reminds Remus of Sirius, of the way he had always kept Remus from cutting himself off from humanity.

Harry doesn’t understand Remus’ reluctance, hadn’t known about Remus and Sirius, and Remus doesn’t quite have the heart to try and explain it to Harry. Despite everything he’d been through, Harry was still young and still had some innocence left. Remus didn’t want to take that away from him, not with stories of love lost through betrayal and death.

So he tries, for Harry’s sake, to live again. To love again. And when he holds his son for the first time, he knows it was worth it. He loves Teddy more than he ever thought possible. He only wishes Sirius could have been there to share the joy, that he could have asked James for advice on how to deal with raising a little boy.

“Why me?” Harry asks, when Remus chooses him as Teddy’s godfather.

Remus can only offer him a tired smile before replying. “Because I know you’ll do a good job.” Better than Sirius did, better than Remus did, and maybe that makes Remus selfish. But Remus thinks, maybe, it’s also not a bad idea to give Harry something to live for.

* * *

The forest is dark, but light doesn’t really matter any more. Remus knows he’s dead, but the thought doesn’t bother him. Harry has used the Resurrection Stone to call his family here--James and Lily, Sirius, Remus. Remus lets the others do most of the talking; he has nothing left to prove. Maybe he could have done more for Harry, but he’s grown into a good man.

Remus thinks, despite the shadows, that Harry looks perfect as he smiles, knowing he is loved.


End file.
